Damn Lawyers (You've Gotta Have Art)


While Joe is making his deal with the devil, Dean Baird is contemplating his latest move to bring fame to his school. He has finally hit on something that might cause us to rise in the US News rankings…. Massive new Technicolor art for the Green Lounge!

Baird: Chicago has something special. Something sacred. Something Yale hasn't got.

Student 1: A rigorous curriculum?

Baird: Something Stanford hasn't got.

Student 2: Frigid winters?

Baird: Something Harvard hasn't got.

(pregnant pause…)

Student 3: Uh….Paul Woo?

(Baird breaks into song, to the tune of "Heart" from Damn Yankees)

You've Gotta Have Art

Baird: You've gotta have Art
All you really need is Art
When your hopes of number one seem all lost
Forget about cost and just start

You gotta buy paint!
If you think it's cheap, it ain't.
Talent like this isn't easy to find

Social Crusader: That's being kind

LSA student: O'Keefe it ain't.

Baird: When you're chasin' would-be students
You need a hook to reel them in.
They may hate Epstein's jurisprudence,
But with this art their hearts we'll win.

All: You can't deny it, gotta buy it.

Baird: You gotta have Art!
Miles and miles and miles of Art!
So you gotta have professors as well,
To keep this place swell you need Art.
First you gotta have Art.

Waldo: Diverse faculty, we haven't got.

LWC: Slaughter Burley, we haven't got.

Burke: Social conscience, we haven't got.

Baird: Whatta we got??

(Two cast members enter, dressed as two of the paintings in the Green Lounge, and dance with Baird)

All: Really big Art!
So now professors won't depart.

Waldo: When they choose between Chicago and Yale,
We'll never fail, they're too smart!

All: Look at our Dean!
His sense of taste is such a dream.
Tho' he's not as slick as former Dean Stone,
US News has been shown, we're supreme.

We're so trendy that we're hummin' (Mm-mm-mm)
It's the artsy thing to do (oo-oo-oo)
All the smartest kids are comin' (mm-mm-mm)
Yale and Stanford have no clue (oo-oo-oo)

Cause we've got Art!
Miles and miles and miles of Art!
Shades of orange, turquoise, purple and pink
Sure makes us think it's a start.

Gertrude: So what the heck's the use of bitching?
Marathon Twins: Why should we fuss?
Baird: We're not number one, but UVA's behind us!

All: And to add to it,
We've got Art!
We've got Art!
We've got Art!

(Written by J Clegg Ivey '97, Roger Schwartz '96 and Edward Walters '96.)

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